I’m trembling. Not because of caffeine overdose, but because

I’m trembling. Not because of caffeine overdose, but because I’m scared. I’m supposedly in the safest place in the world-my own house, in fact, my room- but I don’t feel safe at all. Even in my own room I’m being threatened and chased out. All I did was to try to calm the family down, while protecting myself. Should I have only chosen one of these?  A speaker once told me that problems are like stones in your garden and when you tell that problem to others, you unknowingly throw a stone into that person”s garden as well. The troubles continue, until everyone has a stone in their garden for almost no reason at all. 

Should I have watched all my words even if I couldn’t even control my overwhelming emotions at that time, to prevent from stones being thrown around? Should I even have thrown the stones out of my garden as soon as I had predicted that it would lead to circumstances like that? The foreboding and the clear picture that I had seen of a certain someone taking my item, was it a sign from GOD that I should have down something different?

I’m not angry or depressed that my sister said that she hated me and wanted me to move out immediately, even though she had reiterated it with such a burning passion in her eyes and tone. Am I supposed to feel disgusted with myself for not thinking this way then? Because I don’t, and I have no idea how to get there either. Should I slap myself for being heartless and only caring about how my friend and her parents would judge me in future because I can’t find the camera?

“I hate you. Take your food and go somewhere else. I don’t want to see your face.”

“Why?” Despite my swollen eyes I could still look at her dead in the face while not feeling even the slightest tinge of sadness.

“I just hate you. Don’t eat here.” She starts taking all the dishes away from me and piles them on top of one another near her.

“Why?” All I had in my mind was this flourishing curiosity to how she would answer. I could even mange a smile without hiding how I felt. Is this how normal people would react.

She start repeating the same lines all over again and again with some contempt in her tone and actions. Yet, I just sit there, because I want to see how it would roll out. It’s as if I were a third party watching a movie and enjoying the drama from the sidelines. 

Then as she attempts to bring the massive dinner into her room, she turns around and shouts “get out! I fucking hate you!” To which, the feeling-less me could exclaim in a louder voice “why? Give me a reason!”

As I’m writing this I’m feeling emotionless and calm. It’s highly disgusting.

Now the police has come. And she’s saying things to her benefit. I feel my blood pressure rising.  She’s sick? She’s only feeling diseased because she’s been crying her eyes out of a problem she caused. 

I’m surprising not embarrassed to say that I hoping for a brutal end. With bloodshed. Or something that requires the mental institution.

I am so pissed at her. I don’t even dare to pray to GOD because my thoughts are too ugly. 

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May 4, 2013 · 8:12 pm

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